No Such Thing As a Bad Beer

At no point in previous human history have so many unique beers been so widely available. An undeniable quality range accompanies this glorious variety, but only the ignorant amongst us would call a beer “bad.” Humans create so many different social situations, from baby showers to wakes, and beer drinking makes each one better. Every beer has its own flavour, aroma, ABV, and price that combine to create an individual character suited to certain times and places. There’s no such thing as a bad beer, just bad beer choices. No Such Thing as a Bad Beer will explore some misunderstood and underrated beers, matching them to their ideal settings. First up, Emu Export.

• Emu Export
• Beer Type: Lager
• Brewed In: Perth, Western Australia
• ABV:4.4%
• Cost: $30 for 30 cans (if you’re lucky)

A certain subset of Western Australians genuinely considers Emu Export the only beer that matters. Most consider it piss in a can. Following the morning after a monumental Wizard’s Staff effort using the infamous red can, Deep and Radical once belonged in the second camp. Recent adventures in the Kimberly bush have forced a re-evaluation of Export.

Hands down the cheapest beer in a state known for cruelly exorbitant beer prices, the Red Can is cherished as a rare economic tipple. High minded aristocrats and fancy boys will always cluck their tongues and stick up their noses in response to Emu, saying it tastes like gasoline and that only the homeless drink it. Although Emu doesn’t taste super great and (like all cheap alcohol) fuels some serious social problems, it would be unfair to call it a bad beer.

Emu Export is uniquely Western Australian. The state is nearly four times the size of Texas but home to only 2.3 million people (1.7 million of whom live in the Perth metropolitan area). Exploring the largely untouched wilderness is the essential WA activity, but keeping beer cold across long stretches of desert is extremely difficult. Emu Export makes long term cooling systems entirely irrelevant, for it is a rare beer that tastes better warm than cold. Ideally, Export should be served in cans left resting on the desert red dirt for at least an hour. Or kept in the boot over a two day drive across Pilbaran outback. During the hot Western Australian summer, nothing beats bringing an Emu carton to a park or open space and chipping away at it through the day. The day begins to heat up, the cans get warmer, and nectar tastes sweeter. By sunset and the end of the carton, Emu is the best tasting beer in all Australia.

Sadly, the Australian government recently decided to clamp down on this time honored WA tradition by unfairly making an example of Emu Export.

A common sign in Broome, Western Australia

While Emu may not be permitted in Kimberly parks, The Man can never stop proud Sandgropers from drinking it anywhere else in the vast and beautiful isolation that is Western Australia.